Teenage parents have ugly babies

The one thing keeping a blog has taught me is that I don't know anything about anything, Except poo, but seeing as that subject is discretely integrated into nearly every conversation I had since 1983 I am reluctant to dedicate a post to it. So below are few subjects I know absolutely nothing about but like to have opinions on. (Think we're gonna need a bigger blog- Think we're gonna need an original quote)


Ladies Time Of The Month

Well strictly speaking I do know a little about this wonderful subject. Due to a mans need to read interesting, informative literature whilst enjoying a bowl movement (ok, I'll mention it a little) and the back of the toilet being the spiritual home of the tampon box, I have read the Tampax instruction manual more times than you've watched Friends. 'Crouch down bend your knees, hold between thumb and fore finger, spread the folds of skin around the vagina, gently slide applicator upwards and backwards'. Seriously I'm like an expert! The reason I've included this in this list is because NO man is allowed to know anything about periods!!!

Teenage parents have ugly babies

'On account of not being a teenager and have never been pregnant I don't have a clue about teenage pregnancy, all I know is when their kids are born they are f**king ugly'. Not my words but the words of Channel 4's Professor Robert Winston on his show 'A history of bad genetics-Why Coventry is shite!'.
He then goes on to say:
'Due to being force fed Sunny delight and Wotsits, and  fake tan rubbing off their skanky mothers hands onto their gormless, fat faces, teen parent chlldren tend to look like ugly, deflated basketballs. Giant, saggy, orange faces, with a tuft on scragly ginger hair, sometimes with a slight grey hue from being used as an impromptu ash tray.' He then finished by saying  'This may seem harsh and that's because it is, after all these are the children that will be f**king your lovely middle class daughter in 16 years time and it'll all start again!'

Note: Please be aware these stereotypes also extends to all children from Wales and anyone from Scotland.

Shopping with woman

I wish someone had prepared me for this experience when I was younger, one of the biggest challenges a adult male will face is shopping with a potential life mate. So many errors a man can make in this situation, the most common of which is listening to what the woman has to say, now I'm no sexiest and I'll freely admit that sometimes something interesting will leave their pretty little lips but I can categorically say nothing worth while or interesting has ever been said in a Top Shop.

Nod, agree, grunt even smile but never listen! Go to your happy place inside(I like to use Daventry) as soon as you look interested it will drag on endlessly. Remember your goal is to get them into that changing room, look at your watch, say you need the bathroom, tell her you forgot to lock the car but get them in that changing room, this is where things start to get easier. As we all know the changing rooms are nearly always located in the under ware section and although you are now in danger of looking like a browsing transvestite you do have something to pass the time.

My Hair.

This blog has it's name for a reason. Just look at this picture taken 3 years ago, wonderful isn't it? Like looking at a herd of wild stags prancing through a wooded glade, majestic, powerful but most off all beautiful.

Now look at this picture taken a mere 4 days ago:

Yes, I agree I look like a twat!

The burning stick child on the back match boxes.

There is no reason for this to be here but I love this litte guy:



It's a well know fact that children are extremely flammable...especially ones made of sticks

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FIN

Ps. Please feel free to comment! Unless you're gonna talk smack about my momma in which case go away!