Fear!!!

I've been having a lot of nightmares lately and I don't like them, they're not like the ones I used to have when I was a kid, where there was something obvious to be scared of, like monsters or a flashback from an encounter with an angry dog. These seem more sinister, more confusing, somehow darker and harder to shake, every night the same- Michael Stipe sitting at the end of my bed stroking my feet and crying.

So, as a sort of therapy I've decided to use this blog to help me face my nightmares, to dig deep and tell the world(well the 10 people who'll read this) my deepest, darkest fears !!!

Childhood fears

Chip pans, sparklers, someone handing me scissors the wrong way around, a deadly cocktail of fizzy sweets and coke, strangers, getting caught masturbating by my mum, anyone offering sweets,being stuck in the house, Griff Tannon from Back to the Future 2, my Master System braking, watching TV in a storm, Noel Edmond's and girls.

Adult fears
Forgetting my Pin number, the computer telling me I have 2 days to change my password, getting ill on a Friday, children of any descriptions, poor WIFI signal, Griff Tannon from Back to the Future 2, my Xbox 360 braking, getting caught masturbating by my wife, piles, car insurance, leaving the house, choosing record once instead of record series on SKY Plus, Noel Edmond's dying and women.

Life long fears
Only having one egg basket, getting so pissed off with my face that I violently remove my nose with a knife, opening a hot cake shop and not being able to meet demand, inviting too many friends around for a broth making party and my old rolling stones collection covered in moss.

I could go on, as you can see I am scared of pretty much everything, so to save everybody time I have constructed a crude flow chart. Behold, the MS paint flow chart of fear!!!

THE FLOWCHART OF FEAR!!!

My Body

The human body comes in two main chassis types, the sleeker, sportier female model with pop up headlights and large boot but which tends to be rather a lot noisier or the bulkier, sturdier male version which produces far higher emissions and has a tendency to break down.
I chose to test drive the meatier Male version (albeit with the large pop-up headlights normally reserved for the female model)and 30 years into this test I can finally confirm it's crap.

Crap car analogy aside, it's only really dawned on me how badly built I am, so I have a few questions for god or Mr Evolution or whoever put my rather ample frame together.


1) Why does earwax taste so bad?

2) Why can't I fake smile?

3) Why can't I remember my own phone number?

5) Why are my hips so big?

6) Why do I like lady-ga-ga when I really want to hate her?

7) Why do I randomly want to hit people?

8) Why have internal organs that you will have to have removed anyway?

9) Why have nerves attached to your teeth?

10) Why don't I ever know where I'm going?

11) Why are kittens cuter than babies?

12) Why have toe nails?

13) Why can't I urinate next to someone?

14) Why do we hate the cold but the sun gives us cancer?

15) Why can't we all be wizards?

16) Why can't gay couples have babies naturally?

17) What’s the point of dandruff?

18) Kidney stones? Why?!?

19) Why do we I have such an extreme reaction when a daddy long legs flies in my face?

20) Why doesn’t sweat smell like freshly baked bread?

21) Why do vaginas look so angry?

22)Serioulsy, why am I not a wizard??!?!??!!

23) Why are genitals placed in the most awkward part of the body when they’re meant to be rubbed together?

24)why can't I tell when a list going on too long?


If you're god and you happen to be reading this please leave comments below. Oh, and if you wouldn’t mind, could you fix the AIDs thing you started in the 80's? If Microsoft cured the red ring of death I'm pretty sure you can fix one itty bitty little pandemic.