I've been lazy this week and will do a proper post soon. Please find below a Facebook post as way of compensation: (And yes that is supposed to say 'Punniest with a 'P'')
Thursday 28 July 2011
Wednesday 20 July 2011
The Princess And The Paperclip
Are you sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin.
A long, long time ago, there was a wonderful milk maiden who lived in the enchanted suburbs of the west midlands, it was said that she was of such beauty that even those without sight could sense it.
One day whilst milking daisy the cash cow she came upon a handsome prince who immediately offered her a low paid administrative roll in a market research company located in the far away land of Warwick Technology Park.
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| Vermeer’s 'The Milk Maiden' Just to add a bit of class. |
A long, long time ago, there was a wonderful milk maiden who lived in the enchanted suburbs of the west midlands, it was said that she was of such beauty that even those without sight could sense it.
One day whilst milking daisy the cash cow she came upon a handsome prince who immediately offered her a low paid administrative roll in a market research company located in the far away land of Warwick Technology Park.
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| Cover of Machiavelli's 'The Prince' Keeping it high brow |
She accepted the roll with much relish and soon the maiden and the prince fell stereotypically in love over by the faulty fax machine with the annoying hum. The Princes parents, the king and queen of HR, were sceptical of their coupling as they were unsure a mere temp would be suitable princess material. No maiden short of having a mid to high salary position including a decent pension plan and company car had ever become a princess!
So they devised a test, it was said that only a lady fair enough to become a princess could feel a single paperclip located below a thousand pages of high quality, headed, A4 laser paper. So that very afternoon they insisted the Maiden copy type a proposed business plan whilst seated upon a thousand sheets of high quality, headed, A4 laser paper instead of her ergonomic, heath and safety approved, office chair with air adjustable height and added lumbar support.
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| Just some paper really |
In truth she found this surprisingly comfortable (although constantly aware of the danger of ignoring office health and safety procedure) but when asked by the king how she was getting on she replied 'Not very well, I seem to be only managing 35 words per minute compared to my average 50. It must be that I'm so uncomfortable on this high quality, headed, A4 laser paper. It seems so lumpy!'
'Well!' the king exclaimed 'Only a maiden fit for a princess could have felt that paperclip! She shall marry our son at once and shall bare his child, and when she does we'll send someone to Sainsbury to buy a card and all in the land shall sign upon it.'
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| And a Little something for the ladies! |
And so, the prince and his princess lived happily ever after, despite only receiving statutory maternity leave and the prince being made redundant after the contract with Glaxosmithkline fell through.
'But how did she know about the paperclip?' I hear you ask, well the answer is simple: Janet in accounts told her.
Magical regards,
Mr M : Fairy blogmother
Tuesday 12 July 2011
Important Historical Periods
Our first stop is the mother of all human life and by default the inventor of the subject at hand. Given menstruation as a punishment from god she was forced to fashion a sanitary towel from a fig leaf(pictured) this was after much experimentation and numerous failures which include stinging nettles, a poison ivy leaf and a hedgehog.
This isn't so much an important historical period as much as a lack of one.
Mary started to worry when she was two weeks late(Pictured) and decided to pee on a parsnip(An early form of clear blue) when the parsnip came back positive she started to panic, as she was a saint she decided to tell Joseph but Joseph was none to happy with the news.
Things got ugly when they decided to take a paternity test on Jeremy Kyle and Joseph stormed off back stage. While Jeremy Kyle was more interested in why God had got a 12 year old pregnant in the first place "Look at me!!!"
Her nickname alone would be enough to warrant her place here, but she has a far more important place in the history of menstruation. It is a little known fact Queen Mary 1st was actually the inventor of the modern day tampon, she was so proud of her new invention she can be seen holding one in this famous painting.
It is believed to have been fashioned out of owl feathers and bread. Unfortunately her invention did not catch on for many years as they had not yet invented string and the unfortunate user was forced to cough up the used instrument.
Since then Russell has gone on to breast feed his two sons and throw a phone at a mans head.
Summary
Well, I hope I have imparted wisdom upon you with the above essay. Just a few berries from the tree of knowledge for your young minds to feast upon. I will be signing off now but I will leave you with these words of wisdom from the late great Nobel prize winning physicist Niels Bohr 'Tomato ketchup tastes better in the fridge but it just seems wrong somehow'
Good day,
Mr M
Tuesday 5 July 2011
Teenage parents have ugly babies
The one thing keeping a blog has taught me is that I don't know anything about anything, Except poo, but seeing as that subject is discretely integrated into nearly every conversation I had since 1983 I am reluctant to dedicate a post to it. So below are few subjects I know absolutely nothing about but like to have opinions on. (Think we're gonna need a bigger blog- Think we're gonna need an original quote)
Ladies Time Of The Month
Ladies Time Of The Month
Well strictly speaking I do know a little about this wonderful subject. Due to a mans need to read interesting, informative literature whilst enjoying a bowl movement (ok, I'll mention it a little) and the back of the toilet being the spiritual home of the tampon box, I have read the Tampax instruction manual more times than you've watched Friends. 'Crouch down bend your knees, hold between thumb and fore finger, spread the folds of skin around the vagina, gently slide applicator upwards and backwards'. Seriously I'm like an expert! The reason I've included this in this list is because NO man is allowed to know anything about periods!!!
'On account of not being a teenager and have never been pregnant I don't have a clue about teenage pregnancy, all I know is when their kids are born they are f**king ugly'. Not my words but the words of Channel 4's Professor Robert Winston on his show 'A history of bad genetics-Why Coventry is shite!'.
He then goes on to say:
'Due to being force fed Sunny delight and Wotsits, and fake tan rubbing off their skanky mothers hands onto their gormless, fat faces, teen parent chlldren tend to look like ugly, deflated basketballs. Giant, saggy, orange faces, with a tuft on scragly ginger hair, sometimes with a slight grey hue from being used as an impromptu ash tray.' He then finished by saying 'This may seem harsh and that's because it is, after all these are the children that will be f**king your lovely middle class daughter in 16 years time and it'll all start again!'
Note: Please be aware these stereotypes also extends to all children from Wales and anyone from Scotland.
Shopping with woman
My Hair.
He then goes on to say:
'Due to being force fed Sunny delight and Wotsits, and fake tan rubbing off their skanky mothers hands onto their gormless, fat faces, teen parent chlldren tend to look like ugly, deflated basketballs. Giant, saggy, orange faces, with a tuft on scragly ginger hair, sometimes with a slight grey hue from being used as an impromptu ash tray.' He then finished by saying 'This may seem harsh and that's because it is, after all these are the children that will be f**king your lovely middle class daughter in 16 years time and it'll all start again!'
Note: Please be aware these stereotypes also extends to all children from Wales and anyone from Scotland.
I wish someone had prepared me for this experience when I was younger, one of the biggest challenges a adult male will face is shopping with a potential life mate. So many errors a man can make in this situation, the most common of which is listening to what the woman has to say, now I'm no sexiest and I'll freely admit that sometimes something interesting will leave their pretty little lips but I can categorically say nothing worth while or interesting has ever been said in a Top Shop.
Nod, agree, grunt even smile but never listen! Go to your happy place inside(I like to use Daventry) as soon as you look interested it will drag on endlessly. Remember your goal is to get them into that changing room, look at your watch, say you need the bathroom, tell her you forgot to lock the car but get them in that changing room, this is where things start to get easier. As we all know the changing rooms are nearly always located in the under ware section and although you are now in danger of looking like a browsing transvestite you do have something to pass the time.
My Hair.
This blog has it's name for a reason. Just look at this picture taken 3 years ago, wonderful isn't it? Like looking at a herd of wild stags prancing through a wooded glade, majestic, powerful but most off all beautiful.
Now look at this picture taken a mere 4 days ago:
Yes, I agree I look like a twat!
The burning stick child on the back match boxes.
There is no reason for this to be here but I love this litte guy:
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It's a well know fact that children are extremely flammable...especially ones made of sticks . |
FIN
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