Death- A light hearted retrospect

As I have celebrated my 30^th birthday this month I feel I am now old enough and mature enough to commentate on this, the darkest of subject matter and the father of the macabre. After all I believe it was Plato who said ‘There is but one method to differentiate a man from a boy. Give a boy a banana and he will hold it to his crouch in mockery of a phallus, give a banana to a man and he will pretend it’s a pistol in mockery of Daniel Craig’ When asked what a woman would do with a banana Plato simply replied ‘Probably just eat it’*. This reply was famously taken vastly out of context by those opposing the suffragette movement during the early 20^th century, believing he was implying all woman are basically monkeys and as such should be treated as monkeys. This lead to a 500% increase in potassium poisoning and the invention of London zoo’s famous ‘Chimpanzees tea party’.


* Socrates was latter heard expressing his utmost joy at his student, Plato, sidestepping a blatant banana/dildo comparison.

I fear we are getting wildly of subject. So without further ado, please find below a small selection of historical figures all of whom have played a pivotal role in the history of death.

Abel

Abel first hit the headlines way back in 4000 B.C when he entered the guiness book of records for being the first human to die.


A true pioneer in the field we caught up with him in his palacial los angeles home. “Well it was really my brothers idea” Abel comments, peering over the top of his third iced magarita “At first I was unsure if it was a good idea as it involved having my skull cracked open with a rock but looking back it was the best thing I ever did.”Able throws a wry smile before continuing “The toughest part was the first few years in heaven, I mean god’s a great guy but spending all that time just the two of us just became boring and awkward, that’s why he invented scrabble you know? Unfortuantly at this stage he had forgotton to create an alphabetic written language. That’s the problem with big G, he never thinks things through! That’s why we have Cot death, Cancer, Famine and Hollyoaks. Creationist haven’t reallised their best argument is gods mistakes, I mean evolution couldn’t f**k it up this much.”


Abels influence can still be felt today and in many parts of the world being killed by your brother is considered retro-chic.

Princess Diana

It is a well know fact that the late princess of Wales is the most important person to have ever died. Her death was so influential that within a week Mother Teresa decided to join her. Of course Mother Teresa’s death failed to garner much press attention as her achievements were dwarfed by that of the late princesses.
While mother Teresa only managed to rack up 45 years of dedicated humanitarianism, ministering to the poor, sick, orphaned, and dying; Princess Diana once shook hands with an AIDS victim. 


On many public opinion polls (including the History Channels ‘Most Important Events in History’ poll) the death of Princess Diana has been voted as more historically significant than that of the September 11^th terrorist attacks on the twin towers. This statistically proves, without a shadow of a doubt, that the life of Princess Diana is worth the lives of 2,753 Foreigners.

                          

Psychic Sally
It is a well know fact that Psychic sally is the least important person to have never died.


It’s been a hard year for Britain’s favourite spiritualist medium; earlier this year Sally underwent a gastric band operation in a desperate bid to save her from the indignity of a death born of pure greed. Doctors believe that Sally’s weight gain was largely due to her junk food diet, which mainly consisted of the desperation of the bereaved and the tears of orphans.

The surgery was not plain sailing however and soon after the surgery her GP went on record as saying “Fortunately there have been some complications. If we’re lucky, she just may not pull through”.

Sally’s Gastric band procedure was characteristically aired on Living TV where doctors found the carcass of a dead baby in her stomach.

Fair well
I hope you have enjoyed this trip down the darkest of memory lanes, let your hope and good health be your lantern. I am sorry I was not able to include everybody who has ever died as I have been quite busy lately, please see here for a rundown of everybody who has ever died.
 
I shall leave you now with a quote from one of England’s finest 17th century authors, Sir Thomas Browne - 'We all labour against our own cure, for death is the cure of all diseases. But remember Lemsip max strenth is pretty damn good too'