Modern Subjects!

The advice from the experts is to write about your own life and experiences but to be honest I have very few life experiences worth sharing- "Today I sneezed and I think I felt something prolapse" that sums up today, oh, and a bird flew into the office window which made Mandy from accounts cry(best day in ages, except the prolapse). So to spice things up I've been researching what us modern people like to talk about . I've managed to narrow it down to five main subjects of interest and they are as follows:

Nazis:

Nazis are fun, fact! What more is there to say? Sure they tortured and murdered many thousands of our close ancestors but on their defence they did invent Fanta, they also first coined the term camel toe "Ha Ha look at Heinrich's wife, you can see her vagina through those tight lederhosen. It looks just like the toe of a camel" this quote as you probably know is famously taken from Hiters sequel to Mein Kampf, carry on Mein Camping! co written by comedy legend Kenneth Williams.

Paedophiles:

Not quite as fun as the Nazis admittedly but with stars such as Garry Glitter, Michael Jackson the WHO's Pete Townsend bringing a more lighthearted showbiz flair to the once depressing paedophile movement the future looks bright. (Unless your under 14, a parent or not inherently evil).
Paedophiles should not be confused with the less traditional American 'Ped-a-phile' which of course is a person with an unnatural love for uni-cycles.

Just a little joke there, no, Ped-a-philes still molest children.

Religion:

A real timeless classic, people for hundreds of years have loved discussing and dissecting religion.

I tend to be more inclined towards the catholic church and the pope, which coincidentally ties in perfectly with our last subject. A lot of people say to me "Hey, Paul, you know a thing or two theology and have an overwhelming knowledge of ancient and modern catholicism. Do you think the pope is a paedo?" and this is a good question for which I always reply "Yes", but this assumption is not without foundation, my proof is as follows: 'Pope Benedict' is an anagram of 'epic bent pedo' need I say more? Ok want more proof? 'Pope Benedict 16th' is and anagram of 'Epic bent pedo 61' which happens to be the name of his twitter account. I wouldn't want him blessing my child with his holy water (A little cheap but I think it works).

My wedding day!

Sex:

Nice obvious one so won't say anything except check out the wikipedia fisting pagehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fisting it is quite probably the funniest thing ever written. Love thegloves!!!

Kids:

Man, people like talking about there kids! "Little Davy said 'Moon' today I think he'll become and astronaut one day!" wake up woman! In 18 years time he'll be on his back in a club car park floundering about in his own vomit just like the rest of us, he may open his eyes and see a blurred moon shape through the heave induced tears but that's about as close as he'll get. If he's lucky he might get a job at  Morrisons, (I worked there it's quite nice)

Summary:

Well I think that's about it, I've written way to much and if you are still reading this then, sir, I salute you.

I hope you have found this guide to modern popular subjects interesting and helpful, if you have any trouble remembering these subject, perhaps you're at a stylish theme bar with a delightfully full lipped young vixen and can't think of anything interesting to say just repeat to yourself  "Nazi Paedophile Pope Fisting Children" it'll work like a charm!

TIRED!!!!

I CAN'T SLEEP!!! This is why I'm writing these utterly pointless words, because I don't seem to sleep anymore, my brain got to (nearly)30 and thought "You don't need sleep man! There's far more important things to do with me than turn me off. Hey, why not think about how awesome it would be to an organic carrot?" turns out after much debate with ones self, it's actually quite nice to a be an organic carrot, super chilled but with occasional waves of depression brought on by lack of excercise. Then some one eats you, or worse juices you.

If you're reading this you're probably thinking "why am I reading this? This is pointless" which is true but to be honest you're probably not reading this in which case you're probably thinking "It would be SO awesome to be a puffin!" unless you have AIDS which case you're probalby thinking "I wish I didn't have AIDS" (Just to let you know in my experience being a puffin is nothing compared to being an organic carrot but both beat having AIDS)

I'm going to try and update this blog twice a week if I can be arsed and don't succumb to my addiction to XBOX, masturbation and Mythbusters! No idea what I'm going to talk about but one day it might have a point.

So anyway,the main reason I've decided to keep this blog is it seems the only thing in life that seems to bore me to sleep is myself. A couple of reads through this and I should.......






See what I did there, I pretended to actually fall asleep at the keyboard. Classic!