The beatiful throne

I have been doing this blog now for a few months and have noticed that many of my readers are not from my home country of England in the United Kingdom. So I feel it is only necessary to verse you in one of our favourite subjects, the humble toilet.

For many readers from the U.K you may well think this is a cheap subject for a blog but my fellow countrymen please spare a thought for our foreign cousins who only see the toilet as a functional piece of porcelain, there to quickly whisk away their bowel movements and get them as far away from them as possible without having to look at it.

Please let me take you on a historic and educational journal around the U-bend and explore the beauty of the ball-cock.

Beginnings of the toilet


Early Mohenjo-Daro toilet



The first toilet was created in the 2nd Century BC in Mohenjo-Daro what is now modern day Pakistan, they were of very high standards for the day and were designed by Mr Bill Cistern of Walton on sea, what is now modern day Walton-on-sea.

Mr Cistern was commissioned by the Priest-King at the time, Gary the Priest-King, to create a device for not only improving the sanitation of the region but also a convenient place for them to flush their Crack Cocaine when the Mohenjo-Daro PD turned up. The Mohenjo-Daro PD were notorious at the time for their brutality towards the Priest-Kings especially after the Rodney Priest-King trial of March, 1991BC.

Middle Ages of the toilet

People crapped in holes

Modern Day toilet


A modern toilet
prostitute

 In 1880 Thomas Crapper invented the U-Bend which was to revolutionise the toilet and make it a much more pleasant place to be. Previously many out-houses had used a system which would store the waste either within the outhouse or close to it, this caused poor sanitation and a horrific smell.
With the advent of the U-Bend people were able to spend more time in the out-houses without passing out or vomiting.
Thus the U-Bend not only lead to the invention of the glory hole and toilet graffiti (an early form of adult personal ads) but more importantly, for the first time, prostitutes could offer the more affordable option of toilet oral sex, pleasing much of the American public and kick starting a financial boom securing America as the superpower it is today.


Tricks and tips
The public toilet environment can be a daunting place and the techniques I am about to discuss are of an advanced nature, it is greatly advised that you first study the more basic and well established urinal Etiquette, inllistrated in the link below.
http://therantbot.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/urinaletiquettelc8.jpg

Tips for the shy of bladder.
Shy bladders are very well documented and have a simple solution in using the toilet cubicle. But even this can cause problems. Do you shut the door and risk people thinking you maybe pooing or do you leave the door open so people can see you're not pooing but in many ways negates the point of the cubicle in the first place? I personally hold myself with one hand and hold the door closed with the other which I find is a nice middle ground and yet completely pointless.

Tips for the shy of bowel
Shy bowels are a bit more complicated and much depends on the level of shyness. Much of this complexity come from the increase in sensory indicators that come from a bowel movement. Where as bladder shyness is mainly down to the aesthetics with bowels you have the unwanted sound and smell to worry about.

• The hiding technique

If you are of a lower shyness level you may want to try the hiding technique.

1. Enter the toilet area and ensure there is no one in there, if there is someone in there, wash your hands and exit the toilet.
2. Wait for the person/persons to leave the toilet area (Perhaps hide behind a vending machine)
3. Rush in, enter the cubicle and empty said bowel.
4. Use your ears, if someone comes in you need to hear them; the casually urinater/pooer will normally give himself by whistling a festive tune.
5. Wait for the sound of hands being washed (if sound does not occur you are free to feel slight disgust) then the sound of the door closing.

Important: Many a person has been fooled by the sound of a person entering the toilet and not leaving. Exiting at this time may cause double the embarrassment.

• The disabled technique

For a higher level of shyness try this technique, this can be dangerous but the pay off is big; the disabled toilet is the holy grail of pooing solitude but there are some very important rules to follow.

1. Ensure there are no bystanders around toilets, especially any disable fellows
2. Enter toilet discreetly, open door as little as possible and close door quietly
3. Empty bowel
4. Wait for sound of flush to die down and listen for pedestrians
5. Once sure, exit the toilet, if caught by a disabled person feign blindness by stumbling around with arms out stretched, perhaps fall over if you're in a theatrical mood. If the person who catches you happens to be blind simply run away and blame any sounds and smells on them

Conclusion

The toilet has such a rich and varied history of which this simple blog can only pretend to scratch the surface.
For further reading on this subject I would suggest 'Embarrisment of the Bowel' by Brad Chadley ,'The Bowel Bible' by Chad Bradley or 'Angels & Demon' by Dan Brown